Napkin's Family

Be the Change

2011-10-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a lot of reading about Addiction and change in the last couple years. The question that drives me is "How can we help bring change in an addict?".

Some of the things I have learned through my studies so far:
The most important factors in helping others to change have to do with changing yourself.
Stop trying to control or make up for the addicts behaviors and their consequences (co-dependence).
Protect yourself as appropriate.
Examine yourself to find your own addictive behaviors.
Strive for real change within yourself.
Practice being a trustworthy person.
Don't give up on relationships.

I went to a great seminar a few weeks ago about Addiction and Change. This seminar provided some new insight which gives me great hope in answering my question "How can we help bring change in an addict?".

Here are some of my notes from the seminar: The Genesis Process

Addiction is habitual destructive coping behavior. We continue in self-destructive behavior in spite of the consequences.

"If it doesn't make sense, it's the limbic system."

The limbic system controls three areas of survival: food, sex, and safety.
It's three responses are: fight (rage), flight (escape), and freeze/numb (emotionally absent).
It imprints memories from experiences with: pain and fear, pleasure and reward.

It bonds to things that make us feel good. It flees from things that make us feel bad. These are chemical responses in the brain.

All self-destructive coping behaviors (addictions) are anesthetics to push unwanted thoughts, feelings and memories temporarily out of your conscious awareness.

All addiction is self-gratification. It is the illogical pursuit of something to make us feel better.

Men struggle with: work, sex and anger
Women struggle with: relationships, anxiety and food
Men need: respect
Women need: relationships
A man's greatest fear is: Not Being Good Enough
A woman's greatest fear is: Being Alone, Not Being Loved

We often find ourselves in a "double-bind" because the addiction/coping mechanism has consequences, but we are AFRAID of what will happen if we don't turn to the addiction or coping mechanism.

We are social beings. Relationships are difficult and cause pain. We don't want to have pain so we turn to substitutes for relationships. Substitutes hurt our relationships. We need relationships. This is a double bind.

Relationships cause pain but substitutes cause pain and keep us from relationships.

The Double Bind Worksheet

We ask ourselves:
What is the situation (the double bind)?
What would happen if I change? (Usually we are afraid)
What would happen if I don't change? (Usually there are undesirable consequences)
Which is harder for me to do? (It is usually harder to change) That is probably the right thing to do.
What practical step can I do this week toward change? Who will support me and hold me accountable.

Self reflection

How do you usually react? Fight, flight, or freeze/numb?
Which of the struggles are greatest for you?
How do you rate the strength of your fear of the above mentioned greatest fears?

Once we identify the fear that keeps us from change, take steps to move toward the fear.
Change happens best in relationship.

A sign that a man is getting healthy is that he is becoming other's centered.
A sign that a woman is getting healthy is that she is taking care of herself.

Recovery is learning to trust.

The speaker, Michael Dye, said you can't change the bonds the limbic system has created with your memories, but you can retrain your brain with new experiences. Meaning that you overcome the fears associated with past experiences by creating new experiences with positive associations. Safety in relationships does this, and he encourages us to be safe people to bring healing to others.

He talked about the question "Is addiction a sin or a disease?" He said that many coping mechanisms are sin. We turn to them as a substitute for dealing with things we fear. Going to the coping mechanism again and again creates a pattern, a bond, which leads to the disease of addiction. You can't just call it sin and say "stop it". This alienates the addict further. The addict has to learn from new experiences with safe people.

He also talked about Eros, Phileo and Agape in relation to the chemicals in the brain that sustain them and when they "wear off".

http://www.genesisprocess.org/
http://www.youtube.com/user/GenesisProcess

Why do I think this helps to answer my question?
Knowing how the limbic system works is key to understanding how to break an addiction. The bonds of the limbic system are not logical, so a simple logical approach will not help. To bring change each person must examine their own fears to find what drives them to cope in destructive ways. Discovering the fears and pain that have produced the coping mechanisms is best done within relationships. It does not help to condemn ourselves or others for things that seem to be beyond a persons control to change in themselves. The need for change is relationship based, so change cannot happen without relationships. When a person realizes they are in a double bind, they have a choice between overcoming fear within the relationship or the substitute with it's consequences to relationships. We must provide the reward for overcoming that fear by being safe, trustworthy, non-judgemental people. And to do that, we must examine ourselves first and find our own safe people to work through the process with us. Change in others starts with change in ourselves.

Ongoing Metamorphosis

2011-09-05T23:02:00.000-07:00

This has been an important year. One of the worst and best in my life so far. This day marks a new year for me because last year at this time I made a conscious change in my heart.

It has been hard to explain, even to myself, but I found that my life as it was had reached a crisis point. I could not go on in the same way, yet there was no quick fix that I could apply and move on. I realized that I had to enter a new season, allowing myself to be transformed from the inside out, and it was not going to be easy.

I shaved my head last year as a symbol of shedding my old self and the self-centered ways I had been grasping at life. It was also a symbol of putting on sackcloth and ashes, in grief over the things I had lost by my self-centered grasping. It was a symbol of setting myself apart for a time of seeking.

A friend once said she saw me being changed, like layers being peeled away, one at a time. Shaving my head throughout the year was like shedding those layers.

SO, what has my year of shedding and grieving arrived at? Whatever I have learned is not yet complete, but I have come through a new season, a definite departure from the last one. These are some things I have begun to learn.

- Learning a new thing, believing a new thing, or changing an old thing requires a process. In human behavior, nothing happens overnight. Some processes follow a somewhat predictable progression through stages, but one can't define for certain, at any given time, where a person is in the process, when it began, or when it ends. Even so, it is immensely helpful to be aware of the process one is in, and the stages of that process. Having an idea of the potential future of the process gives reason and purpose for it.

- I value honesty, trustworthiness, commitment and free will in relation to others. When I become aware that I have a choice where I might violate one of those, I hope to submit my choices to those values, as painful as it may be.

- Whatever I learn about relating to others theoretically, is meaningless until I practice it, especially with my family.

- There is always a cost to anything of value. And everything else as well.

- Individual perception in relation to others is severely limited. We must dialog to increase our understanding.

- Ask questions. Listen well. Freely invite.

- My grief has progressed through the stages, Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance. I can't say that it is forever resolved, but grief usually isn't. It is good to have at least come this far. I think I can thank grief for propelling me to learn everything that I have learned this year.

- I am greatly blessed to have the supportive friends who have walked alongside me, and who show their mutual commitment to the journey ahead.

I knew that I would shave my head for the year, and I have never decided what would come after that. The year is up now and I want to know what comes next. I don't know if anything has come to complete closure. I have felt like a whole new horizon is now open to me. I am still seeking more.

I have increased my capacity for:
peace in my heart
acceptance of uncertainty
differences of opinion
differences of value
patience
hope

I want more of those things. I also want to learn these skills:
- Develop a discipline of listening, of being still, of rest.
- Freedom to have fun.
- Submission of my attachments.
- Just be.

So, here's to the year ahead. It could be ten times more painful and one hundred times more profitable. Or not. To whatever comes.

The Next Season: Purging

2011-01-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

As last Winter ended and Spring began, we were still looking for an apartment. Last time we moved I knew we had too much stuff. I wanted to make our next move with far less stuff. Now that we were not bringing in so much new stuff by shopping, we were able to take a look at what we already had and prepare to get rid of some things.

Letting go can be agonizing, but as I began to let go, it became easier to let go of even more. I made a goal to get rid of half our stuff. I don't think we are there yet, but we did let go of quite a bit during that season. I struggled with how to make these decisions. I wanted some clear criteria. I began asking myself these questions.

Should I keep this?

Is it serving me well?
Does it serve guests in our home?
Am I depending on it instead of depending on God?
Am I storing up security?
Am I using it to identify myself or make a statement?
Does it hinder me from community (making me independent, distracting from true relationships)?
Does it cost more (space, money, energy, time, attention, peace of mind) to maintain than it is worth (financial, relational, distraction)?
Does it cause strife in our lives?
Does it keep me from living in the present?
Am I keeping it to serve something else that I should be letting go of?
Should I be sharing it or borrowing it instead of owning it?

As I made cuts in my book collection I found that some of them were on my shelf only to make a statement about my identity. Out they went. Others were about subjects that I wanted to share with others. If I want to present new ideas to people, it is best done in conversation, in the context of loving relationship. If I can't do that, loaning them a book is worthless anyway. Out they went.

I sorted a lot of things out to consign, donate, or give to various places. Without a car it took some effort but I delivered most of these things. Then I sorted out more. Rather than run around to drop them off I brought a lot of things to my friend's yard sale. She kept track of my profit and after the sale she put the leftover goods out for free. I picked up a few of my things but some of my stuff had gone for free that I might have been able to sell elsewhere. At first it bothered me that I hadn't gotten a few more dollars out of my castoffs. I thought of it with regret occasionally, but after a couple months I was just really grateful that those things were gone. That I was no longer a slave to them. I was free.

Yet I wanted to be free of so much more of my stuff. Free from having to steward so much that gives so little value in return.

Looking at Consumption: part 2 "A wasting disease"

2010-12-28T17:30:00.000-08:00

Looking at Consumption: part 2 A wasting disease

consumption |kənˈsəm(p) sh ən|
noun
1 the using up of a resource
• the eating, drinking, or ingesting of something
• an amount of something that is used up or ingested
• the purchase and use of goods and services by the public
• the reception of information or entertainment, esp. by a mass audience

2 dated a wasting disease, esp. pulmonary tuberculosis.

I often shop at resale and thrift stores, as well as trade, consign and donate there. But I also shopped at many chain stores and local stores for whatever I thought I needed. As our perspective on consumption changed, our shopping habits plummeted. When I thought I needed something, I had to ask myself some important questions.

Is it fairly traded?
Is it produced by exploiting resources or people?
Is it shipped long distance, using fossil fuels?

Last Winter, when I wanted to buy christmas lights that were not made in China, I found none, so I settled for buying lights second hand. At least I was not supporting the unfair labour and wasted fossil fuel directly. With buying criteria like fairly traded, organic, sweat-free, and local, there were so many products that I could not buy, so I just stopped going to the stores that would not carry these products. I had already stopped shopping at Dollar Tree and Wal-Mart. Now I stopped shopping Target, Fred Meyer, Home Depot, Old Navy, etc. to purchase my whims. I started looking for things made and sold by local companies, or through resale shops, thrift stores, and craigslist.

With such limitations on what I buy, I have seriously curtailed my drive for shopping, consuming and owning. I still make lists of things that I would like to buy, but after awhile, I find that I am living just fine without most of those things on my list. Occasionally I would go to a thrift store looking for a particular thing and find myself tempted to buy several things I hadn't thought I needed until I saw them there. I would feel more free to buy them because my purchase is not directly linked to the source. (I have not yet done the research to know if there is any reason I should not support Goodwill or Value Village stores). I began to ask myself a new set of questions.

Do I actually have the money?
Is it going to sit in my possession until I die?
Is it an attempt to store up/fortify/secure for the future?
Is it for comparison to or acceptance from others?
Is it a mass produced substitute for creativity?
Am I going to use it this month/this year?
How is it going to enhance my life?
Am I consuming to secure against interdependence
Am I consuming the goods and services associated with a certain identity?

These are some notes I wrote while reading "Not Buying It"

"You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough" -Blake
"Luxury Fever"
"The upward creep of desire"
"Reject consumer as my sole role and reclaim my other public identity: Citizen." - from the book "Not Buying It"
The sleep of the laborer is sweet
Those who go after ill-gotten gain - do not go with them
Sabbath - rest from working for provision and security. Rest in God's provision and security.

I wanted to know how others made their consumption choices, so I sent a survey to friends. I posted it on this blog as well. Soon I will compile the responses, but I still want to hear from a few people.

Last year Part 2: looking at consumption

2010-10-29T00:06:00.000-07:00

Last November and December we were taking the bus to the house church because it was too dark in the evening to go by bike. We were searching for an apartment in the neighbourhood.

We were also continuing to pare down on our consumption. There are some great books and documentaries that have influenced the change in our consumption habits.

Dateline on Wal-Mart - This showed a girl from a third world country who's job was to sew stripes on sweatpants sold at Wal-Mart. Dateline brought her to the States, to a Wal-Mart to show her those pants being sold in the store. The price was something like $12. They explained to her the price of those pants compared to the pittance she was paid. The next scene was her weeping in the parking lot.

"The High Cost of Low Prices" - This showed the power Wal-Mart has to push manufacturers to lower their prices. Lower prices means lower wages, either here in the States, or in sweatshops overseas.

"The Future of Food" - Genetic engineering, food monopolies supported by politics.

"What Would Jesus Buy", with the special feature on China - This showed the ridiculous frenzy surrounding Christmas, the consumer culture we live in and how it affects children. It is very sad that this is how we celebrate the birth of Christ, who teaches us: love your neighbour, don't store up treasures on earth, don't make the temple of God a marketplace, and you can't serve God and money. The part that had the biggest impact on me was an extra on the DVD. It was a Chinese girl telling her story. As a Christian in China, her church had been raided by police. She and a friend were taken into custody, stripped and had a shock baton placed in their mouths. Then they were imprisoned and forced to labour making earbud headphones and christmas lights. The quotas were so hight they often stayed up all night working. It kills me to know that we are buying cheap christmas lights made in slave like conditions by prisoners who are imprisoned just for being Christians.

"The Story of Stuff" - This is an excellent short film about the process of how our stuff is made and consumed and disposed of. It's made by exploitation and destruction, consumed in fads, and thrown away to poison the air, ground and water. http://www.storyofstuff.com/

Revelation Study - I have been part of a Bible study on the Book of Revelation. This has greatly impacted my consumption choices. Babylon is about commerce. She prospers on buying and selling of luxuries, and "the bodies and souls of men". Her adulteries are about profit and exploitation, about being "in bed with" powerful players in the market and politics. "Come out from her my people!" Do not participate in her adulteries. The mark of the beast is about commerce. It is about giving your allegiance to a political market system which threatens death to all who will not participate. That is giving over your freedom because all commodities have been bought and sold and wrested until you have to comply or you will not survive. I don't want to give my allegiance or my freedom to a system of exploitation and greed. I want to practice my freedom by not prostituting my funds to companies who produce fad garbage, plastic garbage, junk toys and gadgets, or who destroy the environment and waste resources for their products, and especially I do not want to prostitute my funds to companies who exploit workers, persecute (and sometimes kill) union organizers, and deceive the public to make disproportionate profits manufacturing products to be consumed flippantly in wealthy countries.

"Not Buying It" - One couples attempt to decrease their consumption during one year to necessities only. Very well studied. Many excellent points and angles. She writes about her temptation to keep up with consumer fads. She joins a voluntary simplicity group and comments on their "self-inflicted" haircuts. She sees haircuts as a necessary expense.

"Made in Los Angeles" - Workers in the garment industry in LA stand up for their rights to be paid fairly. They fight for years to finally win the back wages they were owed. Their shop made garments for Forever 21. The store said they are not responsible for the workers who sew their garments because they say contractor is responsible for the labour. But the manufacturers set their prices low and turn-around times short, so that the contractor has to pay the workers less and make them work faster and longer. I have a bag from Forever 21 which has "John 3:16" printed on the bottom of it.

"Slaves to Fashion" - Documents the garment industry worldwide, showing that exploitation and sweatshops are still strong. In some areas the workers are basically indentured servants because they can not pay their way home or get out of debt to the company who supplies their room and board through deducting from their wages. When a country starts to make laws to protect the workers, most companies use financial pressure to keep their place, or they move to another country where they can pay less and get away with more. Garment shops move to countries where the people are not empowered because that's how they keep the biggest profit.

"A Year Without Made in China" - One mom's attempt to get through the year without chinese products. While I understand the struggle of trying to avoid all things made in China, she never really clarified why she was doing it, and especially didn't give her five year old son a good reason for why she wouldn't buy him the toys he wanted. Since her resolve did not seem to be based in strong ethics, she seemed to be trying to maintain her consumer lifestyle, only without chinese goods. Consumption was always a temptation being dangled in front of the whole family, and she entered into the next year relieved to go back to consuming freely.

"No Impact Man" - One couples attempt to eliminate or offset their negative impact on the planet. Excellent film! They went in phases of changing their habits, like a phase with no electricity in their New York apartment. I love this film and what they were trying to do. They switched to cloth diapers, shopped at the farmer's market, learned organic gardening, bought local only, used the steps instead of the elevator, used human powered vehicles, washed laundry in the bathtub, etc. Someone set them up with solar power so they could maintain their laptop power for blogging. The last phase was finding ways to offset their inevitable impact on the environment. The best part to me was the man who taught them about gardening at the community gardens, who pointed out the irony that everything they were doing was great but the wife still worked for a marketing firm. HA!

"China Blue" - A story of typical garment workers in China. Most garment factories will not allow filmmakers into their facilities but this Boss thought the film was about him and his company's success. The workers come mostly from rural farms into the city to live in dorms at the factory. Their room and board is deducted from their wages. They are paid by the piece, not by the hour and high quotas keep them working late hours, up to 17 hour days. They go on little sleep and little time to wash their clothes and do their chores in their dorms. Prices and turn-around times are set by the clothing manufacturer, so the contractor does the work for what they demand rather than what it costs to produce, so the workers wage is not set by their time or labour. They are docked pay as discipline for various things and their checks are often held back. What really disturbed me about this film was the fact than the jeans they were making were made to look worn! Westerners buy new jeans for $35 and up every new season and every new fad. We are paying a company big profits so they can pay workers so little to make new jeans that look worn! What a waste of money, resources, and human spirit!

"Food Inc." - Monsanto continues to sue farmers for patent infringement when their genetically engineered plants cross pollinate with neighboring farms. They sue people who encourage saving your own seeds. Monsanto and Con-agra own most of the means of food production in the States. Support your local organic farmer.

A note on last Christmas: We decided to do a white elephant gift exchange last year. It was one of our best holidays ever. I felt that I talked more with my family than usual, we had fun, no one had to buy a gift, and we didn't fill a huge garbage bag full of gift wrap and plastic packaging. We each took something home that we could enjoy or that we could donate without any sentimental guilt. I was so blessed.

looking back on the last year Part 1

2010-10-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

Looking back on the past year, we have gone through many seasons of change.

Part 1: Looking for Community

Last October I was asking what we should do about being part of a church community. I had been desperately seeking community, willing to endure the difficulties of building relationships, willing to invest myself fully and commit to the long haul. Because I didn't live near the friends I had known for a long time, I was making new friends, some neighbors and some through the nearest church, but who also did not live nearby. I was finding that in making new friends there is often such a discrepancy of what you hope for and what the other expects. I wanted more honesty, more long-term vision, more realism about relationships, endurance, openness, forbearance, more commitment and investment. I was not finding the willingness or reciprocation that I was looking for. Many people value but don't practice honesty, vulnerability and commitment to friendships. Though it gets a lot of lip service, the process of building friendship and community takes time. It is not learned in the short term. It is grown and proven over the long term. Still I was willing to put in the effort and make the investment, whatever the cost. After meeting many people I would still have to be selective about where to invest. I had to try to get to know people, and see who seemed to desire something similar to what I was desiring. A person can't wear themselves out pursuing committed friendships with people who are not equally committed.

While writing my blog where I compared the two churches I was attending at the time, I realized that I had known many of the people in the house church for 12 years or more. I started thinking about that. These were the people who had sparked many of my most significant transformations in life. These were the people who have trusted me many times to babysit their children for weekends away. These were the people who had been with me at my wedding, at my births, through my greatest losses, and when I needed advice. These were people who had been through significant trials together. Their friendships had survived many personal and relational fires. These were people who I respected for their honesty, integrity, and faithfulness. These are people I trust. These are people who would reciprocate the commitment and investment that I was desiring. So my choice became clear. I was ready to make that my home fellowship, and that would mean that if I really wanted to be invested in the lives of those people, we would have to move closer to them.

I mapped out the homes of friends in the neighbourhood where the church meets. Several families that I had gotten to know from the other church also live in the same neighborhood. So, if we moved I didn't have to walk away from those relationships by choosing one church gathering over the other. Unfortunately that neighborhood did not have some of the amenities we had grown accustomed to. We would be missing the Co-op where we buy groceries in bulk, resale shops where we trade for credit or sell for cash, and easy bus access to Tim's job. But we weighed these things against having our family planted among faithful friends and we prepared ourselves to move.

Consumption

2010-08-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I was thinking a lot about the things we consume and why. I wrote these questions out of curiosity, to see what other people were thinking on the subject. I am still loking for responses.

This is a survey to discover patterns and insights on consumption. I am looking forward to your lengthy answers, but if you don't feel you can answer at length in this format, please elaborate on at least one question.

Initially, does the word "consumption" bring positive or negative connotations to mind? Explain.

Have your consumption habits changed over the last five years? Increased or decreased? Has this been intentional or passive? Explain.

Have you seen any positive or negative affects in your life due to changes in your consumption?

Do you now use or have you used a set of specific criteria for how you spend money?

Do you often contemplate wants versus needs when making decisions?

Discuss conservation techniques that you use, if any, for these resources:

money?

water?

electricity?

food?

clothing?

other consumables?

"things", products?

transportation?

household cleaning?

laundry and dish cleaning?

your time?

What other resources are you aware of that you would like to personally conserve?

In which of these resources are you convicted of the most personal waste?

Are there goods and/or services you have recently decided to live without? Explain.

Please explain two or more personal views that affect your consumption?

Please explain two or more external forces that affect your consumption?

What scriptures come to mind when you think of consumption and conservation?

How does your consumption or lack thereof relate to your spirituality?

How do you relate your personal consumption to global resources, economies and relationships?

Do you have a desire or a priority to change your consumption habits? Explain?

Christmas Ideas

2009-11-13T22:09:00.000-08:00

I wanted to do things differently this Christmas and I wanted to see if my family would also want to do things a little differently too, so I sent them this letter.

Hello family, everyone who gathers at Grandma and Grandpa's,

We would like to open a dialog with you all about possibly celebrating Christmas a little differently this year. In recent years, Grandma and Grandpa have said they don't really need anything and would rather that we give a charitable contribution on their behalf. In our little family we also realize that we don't really need anything more. We just enjoy celebrating the holiday together with you all. In our little family we are making an effort to reduce our waste and consumption, reduce our part in exploitive labour practices, and reduce our carbon footprint to be better stewards of the Earth and it's resources. We wondered if the greater family would like to discuss ways we could all do this in our Christmas celebration.

How would you describe the spirit of Christmas? How would you like to practice that? What brings you the most joy in the Christmas season?

Would you like to try something different with our own family gathering? Would you like to do something for those in need locally, or globally? Or we could do small gifts within the family, and some outward focused giving.

Here are some ideas if we do want to give gifts to each other:

*White elephant gift exchange
*Draw names
*Draw names with a specific need for that person
*Give something we already have in our home
*Make something ourselves
*Give our time/expertise
*Give something that will help reduce each others use of limited resources
*We could all do something fun together ( like the zoo )

Or we could forgo the gift exchange and instead consider how to celebrate this Christmas by doing something for those in greater need than ourselves.

*We could pool together and give to an organization
*Each family could donate in their own way to the organization of their choice
*We could all do something together to raise our own awareness ( like the REAL. LIFE. exhibit )

Some websites to inspire ideas:

http://www.storyofstuff.com/ calls us together to create a more sustainable and just world.

http://www.adventconspiracy.org/ Americans spent $450 billion on Christmas last year. $10 will give a child clean water for life.
http://www.oregonlive.com/special/sharing/ helping families with special needs in Oregon
http://www.charitywater.org/ bringing clean and safe drinking water to people in developing nations.
http://www.heifer.org/ Heifer projects around the world help families achieve self-reliance through the gift of livestock and training.
http://www.kiva.org micro-lending website, empowering individuals to lend directly to unique entrepreneurs around the globe
https://www.ikat.org/ promote and support community-based education, especially for girls, in remote regions of Pakistan and Afghanistan.

We could consider how to celebrate this Christmas by thinking beyond our own little family. Can we contribute to peace on Earth and good will toward man by caring for the oppressed, the poor, the needy, the orphans and widows?

Please respond and let us know your thoughts and ideas, even if you prefer to keep things just as they are.

:)

~Xea

4 and 1/2

2009-10-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my 4 1/2 year old girl told me these words to encourage me.

"Everyone makes mistakes, even children."

Honesty

2009-10-24T23:35:00.000-07:00

Today I'm thinking about the way we tend to lie to each other. Not in an intentionally deceptive way, but in sincere friendships and committed marriages. We stretch the truth, minimize the truth, withhold the truth, bend the truth, and outright lie far more often than we probably realize.

Sometimes we minimize the truth to persuade a person to do what we want. I might minimize the time or effort it takes to do something to get someone to agree to do it. I'm afraid that they won't respond how I like if I tell the whole truth. I should be forthright, let them decide whether they want to make the effort based on the true cost, even they don't chose what I would like. If I take an honest look at my own motives, I might find that I am trying to get them to do something for my own sake and not for theirs. I should ask as a favour to me instead of trying to bend them into it. What good is it for them to do something for me by feeling pressured or obligated? Mainly I'm afraid that I won't get what I want.

If I am bending the truth trying to persuade someone to make a decision for what I perceive to be their own good. I'm trying to trick them into something I think they need. If they are not willing to pay the true cost for this thing that may truly be good for them, it is not yet going to benefit them as much as it would when their heart is ready for it, when they want it for themselves. But I'm afraid that they won't get the good that they are needing if I don't make it happen. I should express my sincere concern, inviting them to make that choice, instead of trying to control their choice. Can I be patient enough for their process?

Or we might make excuses rather than tell our true feelings. For example I might exaggerate the limits on my time, saying I don't have the time to do what I'm being asked. The truth may be that I feel confused when I try to do too many things in a short period of time, or I'm uncomfortable about the request itself. Instead of making excuses, I should be honest about the true reason's I don't want to do something. But I'm afraid that if I am honest, my reasons might not seem important enough, or that I might hurt the person's feelings. Why can't I just say that?

Sometimes we are either afraid of what people might think of us or we are afraid to be honest about what we think of them. We are afraid of fault-finding about our actions or our opinions. For example, say friends disagree in parenting philosophies. We might purposely avoid the topic, pretend to agree, or minimize our strong opinions on the subject. Why cant we just be sincere about our differences, while at the same time try to respect each others views? Because it doesn't feel safe to say the truth. If I don't communicate it just right, they might judge me to be a bad parent in contrast to their philosophy, or a hypocrite to my own values, or they might not want to hang out with my family anymore because they don't want my children or my parenting to influence their family. What if they don't respond to my efforts at sincere communication. What if I talk too much and don't listen enough to make them feel safe to share their views? What if they are not honest in response? Those are real possibilities. Honesty is a risk. If I want to be sure they understand my views and that I can respect their views then it's going to take a lot of communication, sincerity, listening and understanding. I also have to be confident enough to accept that even if I try my best to communicate with sensitivity and understanding, they still might judge me or withdraw from me, or even lie to me.

Somehow we think we are sparing the relationship by keeping these things hidden. Do we really make good relationships this way? Are we really protecting something worthwhile this way? Are we missing something by hiding ourselves?

I want to learn how to try communicate honestly. Even though it is vulnerable. Even though it may hurt. Even though I will often be misunderstood and I will often communicate badly. Feedback helps us grow closer. Feedback about ourselves helps us grow individually. We need honest friends to see ourselves more clearly. We need to be honest friends to help others grow as well.

Relationships are not easy. Friendships take time to grow strong. Every moment we are together we are expressing something, receiving feedback, responding, giving feedback. We are giving the message of mutual trust, or the message of judgement, the message of invitation, or the message of withdrawal. The openness, or trust in these interactions is built upon the previous interactions with the same people. When we are not honest with people who we truly want to be close to, it is noise, distorting our communication. It sends the wrong message. If we want to make strong relationships, we have to examine the things we are not being completely honest about. Then we have to ask ourselves why?

What are we believing that is motivating us to hide part of the truth? Can we have the confidence to be honest about our feelings or limitations? Can we have the strength to stand up for our convictions in conflict? Can we have the humility to admit when we are being selfish? Can we have the willingness to accept differences and a sincere desire for mutual understanding? Can we find the grace to show a friend their blind spot? What would a relationship like this require? What would be the cost? What would be the benefit?

(note: There are some relationships where communication is often abusive, those relationships need professional help to learn where trust and vulnerability are and are not appropriate)

One Year Later

2009-10-02T00:04:00.000-07:00

9 14 09

I have been attending Evergreen for one year now. I began attending because there is a gathering within walking distance of our home, I like the core values and commitments of Evergreen, ( http://www.evergreenlife.org/content/view/191/50/ ) and the format is not too traditional. The format is generally: singing, teaching, discussing, singing, sometimes communion, and prayer, often in that order. We sit in a semi circle with a focal point on the musicians leading worship, the teacher and the projection screen for lyrics and scriptures. The teaching is done by certain elders and pastors. We meet in a pub where we rearrange the tables and chairs each Sunday morning and arrange them back when we are done. We bring in the sound system and projector. There is a room for the children to meet in, though they are welcome in the larger gathering if their parents prefer to have them. There has been some good discussion on the forum about what to do with children who don't want who be in the children's room without their parents but can't hold still in the larger gathering. There are tables at the back where anyone can do art during the gathering. The teachers in the children's room are volunteers. There are no programs set up for "the laity", everyone is encouraged to start something or present ideas if they would like to. Everyone is encouraged to find ways to bring creativity to the body.

The first few times I came with my two small children, just about no one said hello to me. I had invited my friends Renee and Jeremy who were new to Portland to meet me at Evergreen. They did start coming, and were my only friends there for awhile. At first my 9-month-old slept through the service in my baby carrier and my three-year-old either went to the children's room or sat with me, trying to be quiet. When the baby grew out of napping during the service, I began sitting in with the children in the children's room, giving up the service for a season. I did this for several reasons, 1) To get my children acclimated to the children's class. 2) To become familiar myself with the class and the volunteers. 3) I was not getting much out of the service because my hearing is slightly impaired. I read lips to augment my hearing, so when I can't see the faces of those participating in the discussion, I sometimes miss what is said and can't participate. 4) The format of the service is not very conducive to meeting and getting to know people, so to make friends, I have to hang out with these people outside of the format of a service, like in homegroups, other gatherings, or find enough common ground to hang out individually. 5) I joined the children's class to make friends.

So, hanging out in the children's room gave me the opportunity to meet and get to know several of the moms and children and volunteers. I also joined a homegroup. My husband and I don't own a car. We try to have a lifestyle that does not depend on our owning a car. Making friends who live close enough to share lives is important to us. As I met more and more Evergreeners, I found that most of them do not live within walking distance of my home or even the gathering they attend. I also found that a large percent of EGers are recent transplants to Portland. I have invited various EGers to my home to hang out individually or in small groups. I have visited a few of the same friends in their homes. I have been given rides with people to join some things I couldn't get to on my own. I was very disappointed that the homegroup I was going to disbanded shortly after I joined. The other homegroups were a bit out of the way for me, with my two children and no car, and I heard that a few of them also disbanded for the summer. That left me with nothing to be a part of outside of Sunday morning's format. I have used Evergreen's internet forum as well, and though I enjoy the discussions there, it is not the place to maintain personal contact. When a summertime park group started up, I made the effort to be part of it. It was good, but again, none of the people live near enough to me to share lives throughout the week. Making solid friendships at Evergreen will take time.

Our friends Renee and Jeremy gave us two bikes and a bike trailer for the kids. This has increased the distance we can travel to hang out with friends. I have visited some EGers homes that are outside of my walking range.

I began cycling to a homechurch in S.E. where I have known most of the people for 12 or more years. I have been part of home churches in Portland since 1997. We used to get rides with friends or go by bus, but since we have had children we have had fewer options for riding with friends or bussing. It takes about 45 minutes to bike to this home church, but that is the same time it takes to bus there, and there is no waiting at the stop in the dark or transferring busses. This has been nice in the summer daylight hours. It has been nice to reconnect with friends who I have known for years. It is easy for me to participate because I can see the faces of each person in the room, so I can see and hear what they are saying. The format is generally, eating dinner together, singing, praying, discussing, sometimes teaching, singing, praying for each other, sometimes taking communion. The order of events is fluid. We sit on the couches and a few extra folding chairs in the living room. The responsibility for making meals is rotated among the families. We clean up quickly after dinner. Teaching is done by anyone who feels inspired and prepared. Sometimes discussion is simply talking about whatever comes up. Music is lead by anyone who feels inspired to begin a song. Almost everyone plays an instrument, at least percussion, including the children. The children are in the gathering for at least part of the time every week. Most are quietly occupying themselves, sitting on furniture or the floor. Some look at books, some draw in notebooks, sometimes the toddlers are distracting. Certain weeks out of the month someone takes either the older kids or the younger kids to another room or outside. They may play or do an activity. There are a few toddlers who are in the process of learning how to be a part of this gathering without being a distraction. The group is discussing what to do for these little ones. This particular group has been meeting for 10 years, and some of the members have been part of house churches before that.

I want to share lives with others. Believers and non believers. I want to hang out and share time and service and supplies and garden crops. But friendships take time to develop. Community takes commitment. It takes perseverance to be intentional with people who are not on the same page. And even those who are. It takes security in yourself and forgiveness. We have to learn when to pursue and when to back off. We have to be able to give without expecting anything back, also to receive without feeling indebted. We have to realize that we are both needed and needy. We have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and expect to be offended. We have to love and forgive unconditionally. We have to take responsibility for our own offenses, apologize and be reconciled. We have to learn to understand and accept personality differences, seeing those differences as complimentary rather than antagonistic. We can't be reactionary, we can't assume the worst about others character or intentions. We have to learn to listen and to communicate more effectively. The process of solidifying friendships requires facing conflict. We have to be willing to take the risk of investment in people. Some will respond, rewarding the investment with great friendship, some will be a long process, some will seem to be a loss, a learning experience at the least.

Proximity affects how well we can live out community or even friendship. When we have to use the phone or internet or vehicle to talk to our friends, we will either disrupt much of our life to be in contact, or much of our life will be out of contact.

Our dilemma now is, where to invest. Investing in either of these fellowships requires us to extend ourselves into other neighborhoods, or move. There could be another option, of having a homegroup or a home church in our own home. There are obstacles fore each option, which ones should we work through?

HOME

2009-10-01T23:22:00.001-07:00

Tekoah watched her FIRST full length movie today. It was a documentary called "Home".

It is about how all the Earth's inhabitants are interlinked, humankind is upsetting the balance, and the possibility to change before it's too late.

Tekoah liked it.

You can watch it here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqxENMKaeCU

Religious and Spiritual

2009-09-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

7/3/09

These questions were posed on the Evergreen Forum:
"What's your sense? We live in one of the most unchurched regions of the nation-
does that also mean one of the least spiritual?
For those that describe themselves as "spiritual but not religious"- what do you think is behind that, both positive and negative? What leads someone to that self-description?
How does spirituality benefit us? How might it hinder us?
And how should the good news about Jesus shape our thinking on spirituality?"

http://www.evergreenlife.org/web/boards/index.php?topic=816.msg6879#msg6879

I think that many who say they are spiritual but not religious are saying this as a reaction to the perception of religious people and the harsh things that religious people have done.

Religion is often applied in a static, rigid, one-size-fits-all way. We pursue it because it seems to promise that when you obey the rules the results are guaranteed. But we can't always obey. All of us will fail. We should know that our redemption is not in unfailing obedience but in Jesus' sacrifice for us, yet we are still trying to follow the rules to gain God's approval.

Spirituality seems to be the exploration of the self in relation to various paths to "enlightenment". The journey is necessary to the discovery of who you are as well as who who are not. The danger is of never internalizing the values you encounter, seeing yourself in the mirror then forgetting what you look like.

I think most people are both spiritual and religious, but their life reflects one more strongly at any point in their life's timeline. We try to apply a formula from one source or another. A book, a seminar, an Eastern religion, a Western religion, a step-by-step program, a fad diet, etcetera. We go through the process of applying our new philosophy with a heavy hand, judging others by it and making it more important than everything else, eventually slowing down, then finally finding balance. Hopefully we have thrown out the legalism and internalized the best points to apply them flexibly and humbly to our own lives lives without alienating others.

There are very few people who are truly satisfied to find that THERE IS NO FORMULA.

Enlightenment may be like the self-actualization described in this passage from a book called "Reaching Out: Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self-Actualization".

"Autonomous (self actualized) people have internalized the love, support, and acceptance of others so that they can apply values and principles flexibly in order to act in ways that are appropriate to the current situation. They are controlled neither by a small number of values...rigidly adhered to, no matter what the situation..., nor by others' expectation and pressure to conform."

In my case these are the values and principles I learn from Jesus, but learning these values does not come from just following the rules and participating in christian culture. I have done that and it left me begging God "What does your love really look like?". Then, when I didn't follow the rules and did my own thing, I discovered that I was not being the person that I wanted to be. I discovered who I was NOT. It was God's faithfulness and mercy to me in spite of my failures that showed me who I am, and made it possible to live out Jesus' teachings from within, rather than from externally imposed rules. Learning that you are valued by God, that His love is faithful, eternal and sacrificial, and being motivated by that love to love others even more than ourselves takes a lifetime of trial and error. Even the disciples were not immediately enlightened about how to apply Jesus' teachings to their lives. It was a process for them as it still is for us. Can we allow for this process in ourselves and others? How can we guide each other toward internalizing truth, while also accepting people where they are in their own journey?

So what did Jesus do to show us that he is an autonomous self actualized person? He didn't do things out of compliance to culture or religion, or out of rebellion, but he did what was right and true. He hung out with needy people, telling stories to illustrate truths. He sacrificed himself to help us know what love is and that we are loved. He talked with His Father, the source of truth, constantly. Can we learn to seek and hear God's voice like Jesus did?

Communion with Children

2009-09-23T22:38:00.000-07:00

Written April 24 2009

How should children participate in Communion? In many churches the children are kept from "taking communion" - that is eating the bread or little cracker and drinking the wine or grape juice - until they have professed to have faith in Jesus. I'm not sure that they should be held back from participating.

Luke 22:13-2?
"They left and found things just as Jesus had told them. So they prepared the Passover. When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God."
After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, "Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes."
And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me."
In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed, but woe to that man who betrays him." They began to question among themselves which of them it might be who would do this."

When Jesus said the bread and the cup were to remind us of him he was eating the Passover meal with the disciples. He seems to be reminding them that Passover is a symbol of what He is about to do. He is making the connection between the familiar symbolic meal to himself as the Passover Lamb.

Passover is a meal with symbolic meaning, celebrated with the whole family to teach and to remember the event of God's salvation. God saved those who were obedient by putting lambs blood on their doors from the plague of death. Jesus says to remember Him when you eat the symbolic meal of Passover as He is the Passover Lamb. Over time we have narrowed down the whole symbolic meal to just symbolic bread and wine. So I think that the purpose of communion or any other symbolic thing we do, is to remind ourselves and to teach children about what God has done for us. I see it as a teaching illustration to bring the children to understanding, rather than a rite of passage after they have understood.

Any thoughts?

Sabbath

2009-09-16T00:54:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered how to apply the Sabbath. I want to honour the Sabbath, but I found that it can't be a set of rules to follow. It doesn't seem right to practice Sabbath by a ritual. Yet I have not been able to grasp what Sabbath should look like in my life.

This phrase sparked some thoughts.

"Time is money"

Maybe Sabbath is practicing a time where time is not money or survival, but simply faith. The knowledge that God provides. The knowledge that our time here is not for gain in the earthly sense at all, but to gain a heavenly perspective. So time spent to own is worthless, really. Time spent to appreciate the gravity of God in all things is sabbath.

Four Stages of Community

2009-09-16T00:47:00.000-07:00

As I was trying to engage in community and finding it to be a slow process, a friend reminded me of these stages of community. This is a teaching by our friend Jody Mayhew, adapted from another source, and I have also adapted it to apply to marriage as well as community.

Four Stages of Community

All communities/marriages will proceed through four distinct stages.

Teams maximize one another's strengths and minimize one another's weakness.

Intimacy and companionship is not devotional sentimentality. Real love will result in the laying down of our life/self.

As each group/couple proceeds through the four stages they will experience both positive and negative energy. People need to be encouraged through the four stages in order to make the most of them.

Stage One: Initiation

* Pseudocommunity, where niceness reigns
* The honeymoon, the beginning of love
* Time of passion, power euphoria
*Can't maintain this stage for very long or the price will be blindness
* This is a passive dependent stage
* Drawing from the life of the other(s) for our own sake
* Full of vision and inspiration
* Self serving
* This is an immature level of love. You haven't yet paid the price for oneness
* In love with what it does for us

Stage Two: Alienation

* Chaos, when skeletons come out of the closet
* Realization that the other(s) is/are not perfect. Romance collides with reality.
* All commitments cost more than we thought
* We would rather stay blind than see what we are beginning to see, trouble begins
* Begin to see that the people, person are/is not perfect
* Begin to wonder what happened to stage one?
* This is a developmental stage of maturing love, all the problems were there in stage one but we didn't see them till now
* Truth will set us free but it will make us miserable first
* Stage two must come to move us toward true love, no longer just infatuation
* Many people move on to new relationships rather than press through
* To move on we have to let go of control and trust God for the process
* As we grow, we start to see selfishness, pride...As we see the truth about ourselves/others we start to understand sacrificial love
* Must learn to love people as they really are
* Positive energy is released in this stage when we are able to see ourselves accurately. This stage unites community/partners.
* God puts us in situations that will develop and increase our capacity to love. God's love reaches even enemies, do we want to have that kind of love?
* Don't deny emotions here, but don't trust them.
* This is a time of reconciling love.
* Time of alienation, discouragement, disillusionment, disenchantment
* Don't make major decisions at this stage
* Need people who have been through this stage to help us through
* Lack of wisdom at this stage, some try to return to stage one rather than invest more in relationships
* Must not make decisions from frustration, but wise guidance
* To go from stage 2 to stage 3 there must be a conviction of commitment

Stage Three: Transformation

* Emptiness (empty of selfishness), a time of quiet and transition
* Now real love begins because we are walking in the truth
* Have the ability to love sacrificially
* Growth and resistance need each other, growth pushes through resistance with the power of love
* Will we stay rather than run to return to what pleases us?
* The superficial is transformed into the substantial
* To be forgiven brings affection
* Begin to find amazing moments of grace
* Real love, not selfish but selfless
* Why forgive/sacrifice? Because we also have faults and are forgiven by God
* We become expression of life
* Life flows out of the people because they were exposed and emptied in stage two
* Not passively dependent, positively dependent in shared life
* Make choices for the sake of others
* Community/marriage no longer treated as a commodity to work out personal agenda and goals
* Move from self actualization to transcendence
* We become people who have the power to create true community
* Stage three people are the ones who actually hold community together
* People come into spiritual authority- begin to have life/love that flows out of them--imparting to others
* To grow from stage 3 to 4 must learn to walk in the authority of spiritual truth/life/love

Stage Four: Incarnation

* True community, marked both by deep honesty and caring
* Time and wisdom are required to progress to this point
* The stuff saints are made of
* What the world is longing for, REAL love, REAL community, REAL relationships
* Stage one will mistake themselves for this stage, missing the big picture
* Some stuck in stage two have given up and will never get to this stage
* It is very rare to find this level of community/marriage
* Not just positively dependent but truly interdependent-becoming one with each other
* Not doing your own will but the will of the One who sent us
* By time/trials together they have discovered a unity that is deeper than all their differences
* Right now, those who will be this kind of community are being tested/tried

Back Blog

2009-09-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a year since I posted anything. I started this blog to be heard, because I didn't have enough interaction with people in my life. But last year I became very intentional about making connections with people in person. So, I've been spending most of my time communicating with people directly, instead of passively.

But I still process a lot internally and often write out my thoughts, so I'm going to post several things I've been writing this year. Watch out.

Moving forward

2008-10-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

Since my last post about community and isolation I have been very busy.

I have checked out a couple churches within walking distance and am now attending Evergreen. They meet at the Lucky Lab Pub on Hawthorne. http://www.evergreenlife.org/ I like Evergreen and intend to plug in there, but our hope for the long run is to be a part a home church in our neighborhood. I plan to have a picnic in the park soon, inviting people who live close and have expressed interest in home church or just hanging out more, to introduce them to each other and see what grows out of it.

I've established Tuesday mornings to join the Womens' Bible study, Wednesday mornings at the local park (come join me), and Thursdays at home to do creative things with whoever wants to drop by (that's you). Monday and Friday mornings are for planning outings with friends. These things help get me up in the morning and have helped the whole family stabilize a routine that works for us.

I've met a few more neighbors and been hanging out with them. That has been great. Interacting daily with other families, opportunities to share lives, help each other and learn together.

I feel like we are moving in the right direction.

A big step in our family is about to take place. We are going to stop paying for internet. I am excited about it. We can still check our e-mail by going to the co-op to use the wifi, but we won't be able to spend the countless hours on the internet that we have been at home. This has been my biggest complaint as well as my biggest pitfall. I love reading blogs and surfing youtube and googling information and e-mailing and chatting and searching craigslist etc., but five minutes turns into an hour into two hours into an entirely wasted day. We turn on the computer first thing in the morning and turn it off last thing before bed. One or the other of us is on the internet almost constantly. It distracts us from being with our kids, being with eachother, doing what needs to be done in the home. Using the computer makes us unavailable to the people in the room, makes conversations difficult and makes us cranky.

So, even though I will miss some of the connections I make through daily internet use, I hope this will make us use our time more wisely. I'll have to use the phone to talk to friends sometimes. I'll have to compose specific internet conversations offline or not at all. I'll have to write down what I wanted to look up on the internet next time I use it, or I'll find that so little of it has any lasting importance that it is not worth writing down or remembering to look for it later.

Maybe one day, if we have become more responsible with our time and use of the internet, we might get service again. I just hope we learn the value of spending time with the people in the room over spending time on the internet before we discover a wifi signal in our own home.

We'll have to interact with humans in person. Myspace wasn't cutting it.

Car Free

2008-10-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

A very good book which confirmed our decision to remain car free.

"How to Live Well Without Owning a Car" by Chris Balish

Message in a Bottle

2008-09-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh

Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
Ill send an s.o.s. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart

(repeat chorus)

Walked out this morning, don't believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone at being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home

(repeat chorus)

Sending out at an s.o.s. (x6)

-The Police

I've noticed lately how isolated I am. We chose our location for the convenience of grocery stores and bus lines and other local shops to walk to. We feel like we are in the right place. We choose to be car-free and we don't feel that we should need a car to stay connected with people. We should be connected with people who live close enough to walk. We have friends around town, many of whom are somewhat close together in SE, but that neighborhood doesn't have what we would need to be car-free. So we need to be proactive about maintaining friendships with people who don't live close AND find friends in our neighborhood.

To invest in already established friendships who live outside of walking distance we have to work around schedules and commutes to hang out, and find the best mode of communication for the times in between.

To invest in friends locally we have to seek out and make contact with people with mutual interests, and be graceful with people we meet but don't connect with.

We need to invest wisely.

The investment has to be reciprocated.

I want to share lives with people, to talk and garden and create with others, to trade and give and grow, to learn grace with other humans who also desire to learn through relationships. The good, bad and ugly of relationships with humans.

Books to loan

2008-09-06T15:56:00.000-07:00

I was reluctant to send "Baby Catcher" back to the library this morning, but it was on hold for someone else. Tim just returned from the library and other errands with a present: MY VERY OWN COPY of Baby Catcher. Now I can loan it out to all of you!

Which reminds me that Danielle still has my copy of Carrie's memoir and I have to get it back so I can loan it out again.

I own to loan.

Baby Catcher

2008-08-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading "Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife" by Peggy Vincent.

Loved it. She chronicles her journey from nursing student to delivery room nurse to certified midwife delivering babies in homes. It is full of beautiful birth stories and a view of how the business of birth has evolved over the last 50 years.

Peggy Vincent writes of Carole a lay midwife she observed:

I watched her. She cradled and rocked the women in her arms, and I wondered if she crooned magic spells into their ears. The women stared into her eyes, did whatever she told them, and sang her praises forever after. When I asked her later what she was doing, she laughed and said, "Just using verbal anesthesia, talking them though labor."

When the hospital she worked at opened a birthing center to meet the demands of women in the 70's she writes:

In the early years of the birth center revolution, most doctors seemed confused about the whole concept. They'd never learned the pain-relieving techniques used for centuries by wise women, witches and midwives. Some doctors lacked the ability to asses labor without relying on machines. Because they'd lost sight what normal labor looks like and how unmedicated women really behave when artificial barriers are removed, they didn't understand what made birth center deliveries so different.
We nurses, on the other hand, basked in out newfound power. We volunteered extra hours of work for the satisfaction of choreographing very special births for women who hoped to experience the births of their babies as potentially transforming events.
Julie, a delivery nurse who used the birth center for both of her drug-free deliveries, later said. "It hurt a lot, but it was my pain, and it wasn't something I wanted anyone to take away from me."
Julie's attitude, common among the women, was foreign to many of the doctors; they just didn't know what to make of it all. One evening during the beginning months, Dr Clark looked anxious as he stood beside me in the hallway. He glanced into the birth center where his patient labored in the queen-size bed, her seven or eight invited guests snacking on Brie and sipping Chardonnay. "What am I supposed to do in there?" he asked.
I smiled. "Nothing. She's doing fine. Just catch the baby."
"The hell with that. I didn't go to medical school to do nothing at a birth."
"But if the birth is normal, then what's there to do?"
"Normal birth is a retrospective diagnosis," he said. "No birth is normal until after the fact. All births are complicated until proven otherwise." Straightening his shoulders, he walked into the room.
Dumbfounded, I stood in the corridor staring at his back. I realized that he had just provided me with the definition of the difference between doctors and midwives. Midwives believe birth is normal till proven otherwise. Doctors don't.

The Seven-Lesson Schoolteacher

2008-08-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

From "Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling" by John Taylor Gatto

The first lesson I teach is confusion. Everything I teach is out of context. I teach the un-relating of everything. I teach dis-connections….Even in the best of schools a close examination of curriculum and its sequences turns up a lack of coherence, full of internal contradictions….Confusion is thrust upon kids by too many strange adults, each working along with only the thinnest relationship with each other, pretending, for the most part, to an expertise they do not possess….In a world where home is only a ghost, because both parents work…or because something else has left everybody too confused to maintain a family relation, I teach you how to accept confusion as your destiny.

The second lesson I teach is class position….The children are numbered so that if any get away they can be returned to the right class….My job is to make them like being locked together with children who bear numbers like their own.…If I do my job well, the kids can’t even imagine themselves somewhere else, because I’ve shown them how to envy and fear the better classes and how to have contempt for the dumb classes….That’s the real lesson of any rigged competition like school. You come to know your place.

The third lesson I teach is indifference….When the bell rings I insist they drop whatever it is we have been doing and proceed quickly to the next work station. They must turn on and off like a light switch….Bells inoculate each undertaking with indifference.

The fourth lesson I teach is emotional dependency. By stars and red checks, smiles and frowns, prizes, honors, and disgraces, I teach kids to surrender their will to the predestined chain of command.

The fifth lesson I teach is intellectual dependency….It is the most important lesson, that we must wait for other people better trained than ourselves, to make the meanings of our lives….[Only], the teacher can determine what my kids must study, or rather, only the people who pay me can make those decisions, which I then enforce. If I’m told that evolution is a fact instead of a theory, I transmit that as ordered, punishing deviants who resist what I have been told to tell them to think….Successful children do the thinking I assign them with a minimum of resistance and a decent show of enthusiasm….Bad kids fight this, of course, even though they lack the concepts to know what they are fighting, struggling to make decisions for themselves about what they will learn and when they will learn it…Fortunately there are tested procedures to break the will of those who resist; it is more difficult, naturally, if the kids have respectable parents who come to their aid, but that happens less and less in spite of the bad reputation of schools. No middle-class parents I have ever met actually believe that their kid’s school is one of the bad ones. No one single parent in twenty-six years of teaching.

The sixth lesson I teach is provisional self-esteem….The lesson of report cards, and tests is that children should not trust themselves or their parents but should instead rely on the evaluation of certified officials. People need to be told what they are worth.

The seventh lesson I teach is that one can’t hide. I teach students they are always watched, that each is under constant surveillance by myself and my colleagues….The meaning of constant surveillance and denial of privacy is that no one can be trusted, that privacy is not legitimate.

Community vs. Network

2008-08-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading a book called “Dumbing Us Down”, by John Taylor Gatto. It is a series of speeches and essays that he has written on the subject of compulsory mass schooling. He’s pretty bold, considering that he IS a public school teacher and has won the New York State Teacher of the Year award for 1991, and New York City Teacher of the Year for 1990. He writes a lot about school being a network that drains children’s time away from what should be their community. In most of his comparisons of Network vs Community I see the same comparisons between Institutional Church vs. Being the Church, and between Corporations vs. Small Local Business.

Institutions/Networks:

individuals go home alone
individuals suffer alone
relationships are not sustained, easily forgotten
divide and classify people
appear like real communities
cannot manage human social and psychological needs
produce the sensation of being alone in a crowd
don’t care about you beyond what you can do for them
performance is measured by accounting methods
foster apathy
measure people against other people
competition
rules are more important than individuals
should serve a limited purpose
other people are perceived as potentially dangerous
“more” may not be better but “more” is more profitable

Families/Communities:

people face each other over time with all their human variety
call their members by their names
nourish members emotionally
continuous
individuals find purpose and meaning for themselves in relationship to others
everyone is a special person who impinges on everyone else’s consciousness

Parenting Goals

2008-08-17T18:05:00.001-07:00

The goals of a day, unfortunately

two children not talking during nap time
two children sleeping at the same time
figuring out SOMEthing for a meal
not having to change diapers
doing what I want to do with my time

More proactive goals

Potty training
Family routines that use time wisely
Planning meals ahead of time

Loftier goals

Children who love to love God and others
Children who own their feelings and also have the self control not to act on emotions only
Children with self confidence and humility
Creative children
Children who love to pursue knowledge
Children with goals in life, who are too wise to buy into consumerism
Children who continue to grow in maturity and wisdom throughout life

stuff

2008-08-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

This is an Awesome video and website.

http://storyofstuff.com/

bushy dendrites

2008-07-25T17:26:00.000-07:00

I've done an experiment on myself on the effects of reading versus TV watching.

I go through seasons of watching a lot of DVD entertainment, mostly from the library. Sometimes I watch television series, sometimes movies, some romantic comedies, some documentaries, or movies based on a true story. When I get a series, I usually devour it like an addict, planning my day around getting my next fix. Then I rent the next several seasons and keep on consuming passive entertainment. I watch while sewing or while doing dishes, but I end up getting very little done aside from just watching. I come to the end of my day feeling frustrated and worn out and I got nothing done. I retreat to my computer to watch another DVD.

In these seasons I have found that I lose the ability to express myself in words. I try to explain things, fumbling for the right word, lacking vocabulary. I can't write, I feel unsatisfied with the words I use to convey my thoughts.

I had a similar experience when we returned from our 8 month trip to Europe. Five months of that time was spent in Wroclaw Poland and only two weeks of our time was spent in an English speaking country. In communicating with so many people who's English was limited, I had dumbed down my vocabulary and lost it.

So I have been trying to read more and view less this month. I am finding it easier to express myself and am using new vocabulary words. I get a lot more done in a day because I am more focused on what I'm doing. It's not easy to multitask while reading, though I can read a bit while nursing. I'm also learning a lot instead of wasting my time on mindless entertainment.

Current reading: MARY PRIDES COMPLETE GUIDE TO GETTING STARTED IN HOMESCHOOLING, DUMBING US DOWN, THE BIRTH ORDER BOOK, just picked up: THE WAY THEY LEARN

crawling and teething

2008-07-22T23:41:00.000-07:00