Be the Change

I have been doing a lot of reading about Addiction and change in the last couple years. The question that drives me is "How can we help bring change in an addict?".

Some of the things I have learned through my studies so far:
The most important factors in helping others to change have to do with changing yourself.
Stop trying to control or make up for the addicts behaviors and their consequences (co-dependence).
Protect yourself as appropriate.
Examine yourself to find your own addictive behaviors.
Strive for real change within yourself.
Practice being a trustworthy person.
Don't give up on relationships.

I went to a great seminar a few weeks ago about Addiction and Change. This seminar provided some new insight which gives me great hope in answering my question "How can we help bring change in an addict?".

Here are some of my notes from the seminar: The Genesis Process

Addiction is habitual destructive coping behavior. We continue in self-destructive behavior in spite of the consequences.

"If it doesn't make sense, it's the limbic system."

The limbic system controls three areas of survival: food, sex, and safety.
It's three responses are: fight (rage), flight (escape), and freeze/numb (emotionally absent).
It imprints memories from experiences with: pain and fear, pleasure and reward.

It bonds to things that make us feel good. It flees from things that make us feel bad. These are chemical responses in the brain.

All self-destructive coping behaviors (addictions) are anesthetics to push unwanted thoughts, feelings and memories temporarily out of your conscious awareness.

All addiction is self-gratification. It is the illogical pursuit of something to make us feel better.

Men struggle with: work, sex and anger
Women struggle with: relationships, anxiety and food
Men need: respect
Women need: relationships
A man's greatest fear is: Not Being Good Enough
A woman's greatest fear is: Being Alone, Not Being Loved

We often find ourselves in a "double-bind" because the addiction/coping mechanism has consequences, but we are AFRAID of what will happen if we don't turn to the addiction or coping mechanism.

We are social beings. Relationships are difficult and cause pain. We don't want to have pain so we turn to substitutes for relationships. Substitutes hurt our relationships. We need relationships. This is a double bind.

Relationships cause pain but substitutes cause pain and keep us from relationships.

The Double Bind Worksheet

We ask ourselves:
What is the situation (the double bind)?
What would happen if I change? (Usually we are afraid)
What would happen if I don't change? (Usually there are undesirable consequences)
Which is harder for me to do? (It is usually harder to change) That is probably the right thing to do.
What practical step can I do this week toward change? Who will support me and hold me accountable.

Self reflection

How do you usually react? Fight, flight, or freeze/numb?
Which of the struggles are greatest for you?
How do you rate the strength of your fear of the above mentioned greatest fears?

Once we identify the fear that keeps us from change, take steps to move toward the fear.
Change happens best in relationship.

A sign that a man is getting healthy is that he is becoming other's centered.
A sign that a woman is getting healthy is that she is taking care of herself.

Recovery is learning to trust.


The speaker, Michael Dye, said you can't change the bonds the limbic system has created with your memories, but you can retrain your brain with new experiences. Meaning that you overcome the fears associated with past experiences by creating new experiences with positive associations. Safety in relationships does this, and he encourages us to be safe people to bring healing to others.

He talked about the question "Is addiction a sin or a disease?" He said that many coping mechanisms are sin. We turn to them as a substitute for dealing with things we fear. Going to the coping mechanism again and again creates a pattern, a bond, which leads to the disease of addiction. You can't just call it sin and say "stop it". This alienates the addict further. The addict has to learn from new experiences with safe people.

He also talked about Eros, Phileo and Agape in relation to the chemicals in the brain that sustain them and when they "wear off".

http://www.genesisprocess.org/
http://www.youtube.com/user/GenesisProcess



Why do I think this helps to answer my question?
Knowing how the limbic system works is key to understanding how to break an addiction. The bonds of the limbic system are not logical, so a simple logical approach will not help. To bring change each person must examine their own fears to find what drives them to cope in destructive ways. Discovering the fears and pain that have produced the coping mechanisms is best done within relationships. It does not help to condemn ourselves or others for things that seem to be beyond a persons control to change in themselves. The need for change is relationship based, so change cannot happen without relationships. When a person realizes they are in a double bind, they have a choice between overcoming fear within the relationship or the substitute with it's consequences to relationships. We must provide the reward for overcoming that fear by being safe, trustworthy, non-judgemental people. And to do that, we must examine ourselves first and find our own safe people to work through the process with us. Change in others starts with change in ourselves.