Ongoing Metamorphosis

This has been an important year. One of the worst and best in my life so far. This day marks a new year for me because last year at this time I made a conscious change in my heart.

It has been hard to explain, even to myself, but I found that my life as it was had reached a crisis point. I could not go on in the same way, yet there was no quick fix that I could apply and move on. I realized that I had to enter a new season, allowing myself to be transformed from the inside out, and it was not going to be easy.

I shaved my head last year as a symbol of shedding my old self and the self-centered ways I had been grasping at life. It was also a symbol of putting on sackcloth and ashes, in grief over the things I had lost by my self-centered grasping. It was a symbol of setting myself apart for a time of seeking.

A friend once said she saw me being changed, like layers being peeled away, one at a time. Shaving my head throughout the year was like shedding those layers.

SO, what has my year of shedding and grieving arrived at? Whatever I have learned is not yet complete, but I have come through a new season, a definite departure from the last one. These are some things I have begun to learn.

- Learning a new thing, believing a new thing, or changing an old thing requires a process. In human behavior, nothing happens overnight. Some processes follow a somewhat predictable progression through stages, but one can't define for certain, at any given time, where a person is in the process, when it began, or when it ends. Even so, it is immensely helpful to be aware of the process one is in, and the stages of that process. Having an idea of the potential future of the process gives reason and purpose for it.

- I value honesty, trustworthiness, commitment and free will in relation to others. When I become aware that I have a choice where I might violate one of those, I hope to submit my choices to those values, as painful as it may be.

- Whatever I learn about relating to others theoretically, is meaningless until I practice it, especially with my family.

- There is always a cost to anything of value. And everything else as well.

- Individual perception in relation to others is severely limited. We must dialog to increase our understanding.

- Ask questions. Listen well. Freely invite.

- My grief has progressed through the stages, Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance. I can't say that it is forever resolved, but grief usually isn't. It is good to have at least come this far. I think I can thank grief for propelling me to learn everything that I have learned this year.

- I am greatly blessed to have the supportive friends who have walked alongside me, and who show their mutual commitment to the journey ahead.

I knew that I would shave my head for the year, and I have never decided what would come after that. The year is up now and I want to know what comes next. I don't know if anything has come to complete closure. I have felt like a whole new horizon is now open to me. I am still seeking more.

I have increased my capacity for:
peace in my heart
acceptance of uncertainty
differences of opinion
differences of value
patience
hope

I want more of those things. I also want to learn these skills:
- Develop a discipline of listening, of being still, of rest.
- Freedom to have fun.
- Submission of my attachments.
- Just be.

So, here's to the year ahead. It could be ten times more painful and one hundred times more profitable. Or not. To whatever comes.