Honesty

Today I'm thinking about the way we tend to lie to each other. Not in an intentionally deceptive way, but in sincere friendships and committed marriages. We stretch the truth, minimize the truth, withhold the truth, bend the truth, and outright lie far more often than we probably realize.

Sometimes we minimize the truth to persuade a person to do what we want. I might minimize the time or effort it takes to do something to get someone to agree to do it. I'm afraid that they won't respond how I like if I tell the whole truth. I should be forthright, let them decide whether they want to make the effort based on the true cost, even they don't chose what I would like. If I take an honest look at my own motives, I might find that I am trying to get them to do something for my own sake and not for theirs. I should ask as a favour to me instead of trying to bend them into it. What good is it for them to do something for me by feeling pressured or obligated? Mainly I'm afraid that I won't get what I want.

If I am bending the truth trying to persuade someone to make a decision for what I perceive to be their own good. I'm trying to trick them into something I think they need. If they are not willing to pay the true cost for this thing that may truly be good for them, it is not yet going to benefit them as much as it would when their heart is ready for it, when they want it for themselves. But I'm afraid that they won't get the good that they are needing if I don't make it happen. I should express my sincere concern, inviting them to make that choice, instead of trying to control their choice. Can I be patient enough for their process?

Or we might make excuses rather than tell our true feelings. For example I might exaggerate the limits on my time, saying I don't have the time to do what I'm being asked. The truth may be that I feel confused when I try to do too many things in a short period of time, or I'm uncomfortable about the request itself. Instead of making excuses, I should be honest about the true reason's I don't want to do something. But I'm afraid that if I am honest, my reasons might not seem important enough, or that I might hurt the person's feelings. Why can't I just say that?

Sometimes we are either afraid of what people might think of us or we are afraid to be honest about what we think of them. We are afraid of fault-finding about our actions or our opinions. For example, say friends disagree in parenting philosophies. We might purposely avoid the topic, pretend to agree, or minimize our strong opinions on the subject. Why cant we just be sincere about our differences, while at the same time try to respect each others views? Because it doesn't feel safe to say the truth. If I don't communicate it just right, they might judge me to be a bad parent in contrast to their philosophy, or a hypocrite to my own values, or they might not want to hang out with my family anymore because they don't want my children or my parenting to influence their family. What if they don't respond to my efforts at sincere communication. What if I talk too much and don't listen enough to make them feel safe to share their views? What if they are not honest in response? Those are real possibilities. Honesty is a risk. If I want to be sure they understand my views and that I can respect their views then it's going to take a lot of communication, sincerity, listening and understanding. I also have to be confident enough to accept that even if I try my best to communicate with sensitivity and understanding, they still might judge me or withdraw from me, or even lie to me.


Somehow we think we are sparing the relationship by keeping these things hidden. Do we really make good relationships this way? Are we really protecting something worthwhile this way? Are we missing something by hiding ourselves?

I want to learn how to try communicate honestly. Even though it is vulnerable. Even though it may hurt. Even though I will often be misunderstood and I will often communicate badly. Feedback helps us grow closer. Feedback about ourselves helps us grow individually. We need honest friends to see ourselves more clearly. We need to be honest friends to help others grow as well.

Relationships are not easy. Friendships take time to grow strong. Every moment we are together we are expressing something, receiving feedback, responding, giving feedback. We are giving the message of mutual trust, or the message of judgement, the message of invitation, or the message of withdrawal. The openness, or trust in these interactions is built upon the previous interactions with the same people. When we are not honest with people who we truly want to be close to, it is noise, distorting our communication. It sends the wrong message. If we want to make strong relationships, we have to examine the things we are not being completely honest about. Then we have to ask ourselves why?

What are we believing that is motivating us to hide part of the truth? Can we have the confidence to be honest about our feelings or limitations? Can we have the strength to stand up for our convictions in conflict? Can we have the humility to admit when we are being selfish? Can we have the willingness to accept differences and a sincere desire for mutual understanding? Can we find the grace to show a friend their blind spot? What would a relationship like this require? What would be the cost? What would be the benefit?






(note: There are some relationships where communication is often abusive, those relationships need professional help to learn where trust and vulnerability are and are not appropriate)